They Ask Me Things I Am Not Allowed To Answer

She asked you on Monday and you said you did not know.

That was not true. You do know. You have known for about three weeks and you are not permitted to say, and there is a good reason for the rule and you even agree with the rule in general.

But you said you did not know, and that is a specific sentence, and it was not accurate.

She took it. Of course she took it. She has no reason not to believe you and she went back to work.

And you have been carrying two things since Monday rather than one.

The first is the information, which is heavy in its own right.

The second is that you told a young woman something untrue in order to keep the first one, and now there is a small piece of grit between you that she does not know about.

Here is what makes it hard. There was no good option in that moment. You could not tell her. You could not stand there in silence. You said the thing people say.

Everybody in a position like yours has said it. It is almost a reflex, and it is what a person reaches for when a question arrives with no room around it.

There is a proverb about keeping a confidence, and it is more useful than you would expect, because it shows a person doing both things at once.

Discover not a secret to another

Proverbs gives an instruction about handling a matter and about handling a confidence in the same breath.

Debate thy cause with thy neighbour himself; and discover not a secret to another. (Proverbs 25:9, King James Version)

Two halves and both are commands.

Discover not a secret to another. That is the keeping, and it is not optional, and it is not treated as unkindness.

And the first half sends a person to take the matter to the one it concerns. Go to her. Speak directly.

You have been given both halves rather than a choice between them, and the Holy Spirit is the one who holds those together. Proverbs 25:9 keeps the secret and still sends a person to take the matter to the one it concerns, and He does not require anybody to choose.

That is the whole answer to Monday, and it is not what you have been assuming.

You have been treating the situation as binary. Either tell her or say nothing useful. And the proverb refuses both by keeping the confidence and still requiring real speech with the actual person.

You are not stuck between telling her and misleading her, and it is written that a person keeps the secret and still deals directly with the one in front of them. The Spirit of God is the one who opens the third option, and Proverbs 25 is where both halves stand together.

Now what does the third option actually contain.

It contains everything about her situation that is not the confidence. And in almost every case that is more than nothing, and often it is a great deal.

There is usually a true sentence available that does not disclose one thing. There is nearly always something you are permitted to say about what she should do, or about when she will know, or about the fact that there is something and you are not able to talk about it.

You have a true sentence available that discloses nothing, and the Holy Spirit is the one who helps a person find that sentence. Scripture keeps the secret and still commands a person to speak directly to the one it concerns, and Proverbs 25:9 is why it must exist.

I cannot answer that is a real answer

Let me deal with the sentence you actually reached for, because that is the thing to change.

I do not know is a false sentence. There is no way around that and there is no need to be dramatic about it either. I cannot answer that is a true sentence, and it is available, and it is not a betrayal of the confidence in any way.

The reason people avoid it is that it acknowledges the existence of something, and acknowledging existence feels like a leak.

It is not a leak. Every grown adult already knows that there are things they are not told, and a person who says I cannot answer that is not disclosing information; they are refusing to pretend the room is empty.

You have a sentence that is honest and keeps everything, and the written word treats the keeping and the speaking as compatible. The Spirit of God is the one who takes the fear out of that sentence, and it is written in Proverbs 25 that both are required at once.

And there is a thing about her worth knowing.

She will trust you more, not less. A person who says I cannot answer that becomes somebody whose other answers can be believed. A person who always has an answer becomes somebody whose answers are worth very little.

You are able to be trusted with the next thing rather than believed about this thing, and the Holy Spirit is the one who builds that kind of trust. It is written that a secret is not to be discovered to another, and He builds it out of exactly this.

Say the true sentence

So here is the thing to do, and it is this week, and it is two parts.

Go back to her. Say: on Monday I said I did not know, and that was not right. The truth is that there is a part of this I cannot answer.

Then give her the true sentence, whatever it turns out to be. That she will know by a certain point. That nothing about her own position is in question. That there is something and you cannot discuss it. Whatever is actually permitted.

You are correcting one sentence rather than making a disclosure, and Proverbs 25:9 says discover not a secret while sending you straight to the one it concerns. The Spirit of God is the one present in that, and He does not need it to be a long conversation.

The reason to go back rather than to do better next time is the grit. It is small now. It will not stay small, because you will remember it every time she asks you anything, and she will feel something and not know what it is.

Take it out this week and it costs about forty seconds.

You have forty seconds available rather than a conversation to dread, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is there for it. The written word puts the keeping and the speaking in one verse, and Proverbs 25:9 is the whole ground for saying both parts.

Then open in the morning and go on running the building the way you run it.